If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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