I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
