after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Even my vagina gasped.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
