dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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