Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
