WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
