you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
