??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
