we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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