Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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