Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
