i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
