I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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