I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
