i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
