I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
