I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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