My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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