if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
