I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
