I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
