sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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