he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
