proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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