Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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