I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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