Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
