i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
