i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
