Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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