If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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