Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
