I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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