Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
