girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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