So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
