I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
