Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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