He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
