I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That accounts for only three of the penises
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize