Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
