i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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