This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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