I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So squirting runs in the family.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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