i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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