my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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