Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
