I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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