we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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