I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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