I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
