Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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