you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
