There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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