look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
