No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
