On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
