two words: eviction party
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize