if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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