If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
