so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
