I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
