the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
