My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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