I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
