i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
