READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Someone shit on the floor
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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