I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
