I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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