i jhust puked up my retainher.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
