I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
